How To Talk Texan, Y'all
How To Talk Texan, Y'all
Not alway eloquent, but always colorful, the apothegms of Texans are matched only by hillbillies in Appalachia, Cajuns in Louisiana, and lunatics in an asylum.
Derrick G. Jeter
I can speak, read, and write four languages: English, Hebrew, Greek (koine), and Texan. But I’m only fluent in Texan. So, as an 1836% pure bred, open range native son of the mighty Long Star, I’m just the fella who can teach y’all how to talk Texan, beginning with these Texas apothegms.
Acceptable
That’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That’s close enough for government work.
It’s no skin off my nose.
Might as well. I can’t dance, never could sing, and it’s too wet to plow.
I could sit still for that.
You can’t beat that with a stick.
That melts my butter.
That floats my boat.
That cranks my shaft.
Age
He’s gotten more wrinkles on his horns.
Ambition
Pull out your ambition bone and whittle on it a bit.
It’s the ambitious man that won’t stay in the corral.
Anger/Angry
He’s got his tail up.
She’s in a horn-tossin’ mood.
She’s dancin’ in the hog trough.
You’ve just about boiled my egg.
He’s mad enough to eat the devil, horns and all.
He’s so mad he could bite himself.
He’s in a sod-pawin’ and horn-tossin’ mood.
She’s fit to be tied.
Don’t throw a hissy fit.
Who slipped a burr under your saddle.
He shore is on’ry today.
He’s all worked up.
Don’t get all het up about it.
Appearances (deceptive)
You can’t tell how fast a jackrabbit’ll run by the length of his ears.
A man’s like a watermelon—you can’t tell how good he is till you thump him.
You can’t tell how a fella will ride by the size of his spurs.
Just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly.
Color don’t count if the colt don’t trot.
Arguing/Argumentative
She could start a fight in an empty house.
He’d argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and struck a chunk under it.
He’s the only hell his mama ever raised.
She’s so contrary she floats upstream.
He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.
You might as well argue with the shadow of death.
Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule, or a wagon cook.
Those two are whittle whangin’.
Arrival/Greetings
Look what the cat dragged in.
Company’s coming. Add a cup of water to the soup.
We’ve helloed but we haven’t shook.
Put on your sittin’ britches.
Let’s chew the fat (or rag).
Attractive
She’s a real looker.
He took to you like a hog to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to water.
He took to you like fleas to a dog.
He took to you like a buzzard to guts.
He took to you like a sticker burr to bare feet.
Austin (city of)
It’s the blueberry in the cherry pie. (The one liberal place in a conservative state.)
Bad (character)
He’s such a liar. He’d beat you senseless and tell God you fell off your horse.
He was born sorry.
He’s so low he’d steal the widow’s ax.
He’s so low he’d steal his mama’s egg money.
He’s so low he’d steal the nickels off a dead man’s eyes.
No account fellow.
Bitter as gall.
Rough as a cob.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn’t scratch his own mama’s fleas.
He’s got horns holdin’ up his halo.
We’re not on borrowin’ terms.
You’re so low you have to look up to see hell.
He’s so low you couldn’t put a rug under his feet.
He’s so bad he’s sure to have a reserved seat in hell.
His biography would have to be written on asbestos paper.
He has snake blood running through his veins.
He would eat off the same plate as a snake.
Bad (generally)
Things are going to hell in a hand basket.
Bathing/Washing
Bathing out your countenance. (Washing your face.)
Washing the ol’ profile. (Washing your face.)
Washing out the canyon. (Bathing in general.)
Beatings
He gave me the wire brush treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I’ll snatch you bald headed.
I’ll whip you like a redheaded stepchild.
I’ll knock you plumb into next week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed.
He’s been saucer and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
I’ll clean your clock.
He cut your water off.
Bitten (by bugs)
I’m just eaten up by mosquitos.
Boastful/Proud
He broke his arm pattin’ himself on the back.
He got callouses from pattin’ himself on the back.
He can easily brag himself out of a place to lean against the bar.
Some folks throw too much dust.
He can strut sitting down.
He’s all hat and no cattle.
She’s all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber of commerced it.
He’s shot more buck deer in that bar than any other man in Texas.
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
He’s all broth and no beans.
He’s getting too big for his britches.
He cut a bigger plug of tobacco than he can chew.
The rooster crows, but the hen delivers the goods.
There he goes again, tellin’ a windy.
In Texas it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.
Boring
As excitin’ as waitin’ for paint to dry.
As excitin’ as a mashed potato sandwich.
As much fun as choppin’ wood.
Dull as Henry’s hoe.
Brave/Courageous
Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He’s double-backboned.
He’s got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
He’d shoot craps with the devil himself.
She’d charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
He’s got (plenty of) sand in his craw.
He’s got more sand than the Mohave Desert.
He’s got (plenty of) gravel in his gizzard.
He’s as gritty as fish eggs rolled in sand.
Business (mind your own)
Mindin’ your own business is the best life insurance.
Don’t hang your wash on someone else’s line.
Don’t dip your biscuit in another man’s bacon grease.
Mind your own biscuits and life will be gravy.
Business (sticking your nose into other people’s)
He’s an eye-baller.
The surest way to cure a toothache is to tickle a mule’s heels.
Busy
He’s so busy you’d think he was twins.
They’re doing a land office business.
Busy as a one legged man at a butt kickin’ convention.
Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
Busy as a one eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killin’.
She’s jumpin’ like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Pantin’ like a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growin’ under her feet.
She’s always piddlin’. (I’m just piddlin’.)
He’s got more on his platter than he can say grace over.
Capable/Experienced
She’s got some snap in her garters.
He’s got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She’s got horse sense.
He’s got plenty of notices on his gun.
She’s a right smart windmill fixer.
He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
There’s no slack in her rope.
He’s a three-jump cowboy.
He can ride the rough string (stock).
If she crows, the sun’s up.
This ain’t my first rodeo.
He’s worth his wages.
Taken a little more hair off the dog.
He measures a full sixteen hands (He’s a worthy man.)
Caution
You were too hard to raise to take chances.
Don’t dig up more snakes than you can kill.
“Howdy” before you walk into a stranger’s camp.
Don’t plow too close to the cotton.
A dead snake can still bite.
A dead bee can still sting.
It’s the little things that get tangled in your spurs that trip you up.
Don’t tip over the outhouse.
Celebratory
Let’s shoot out the lights.
We’ll paint the town and the front porch.
Let’s hallelujah the country.
Put the little pot in the big pot.
Throw you hat (war bonnet) over the windmill.
I’ll be there with bells on.
I’ll wear my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.
Let’s whoop and holler.
He’s all gussied up.
Cheap
He’ll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
Savin’ money for the bartender.
She has short arms and deep pockets.
Cheat/Cheated/Cheating
A man’s the only critter that can be skinned more than once.
Children
Raised a pet but gone wild.
Reared heaven, raised hell.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn’t know a bit from a butt.
You don’t live longer in the city, it just seems that way.
Cold
This is hog killin’ weather.
There’s only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it’s down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well digger’s knee.
Cold as a well digger in Montana.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife’s heart.
Cold as a cast iron commode.
Cold as a banker’s heart.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
There’s nothing between Amarillo and the North Pole but a barbed-wire fence.
Amarillo’s fence must be down (when it’s especially cold in South Texas).
Cold as a frog’s butt stuck to an ice cube.
Cold as a dead snake.
Colder than a well chain in December.
Company (you keep)
You never see lambs hobnobbin’ with coyotes.
If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
If you live with Mexicans you can expect to eat beans, sooner or later.
Confused
Confused as a goat on Astroturf.
My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn’t see what I was saying.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
He ran ’em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones’s.
He’s walkin’ around like a duck hit on the head.
He got his spurs tangled up.
I feel like my saddle is slidin’ out from under me.
Controversy/Controversial
That’s hair on the butter.
Courting (a woman)
He’s gone a-gallin’.
He’s sitting the bag.
He’s sittin’ her.
Coward/Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama’s apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn’t be poured into a fight.
He’s first cousin to Moses Rose (the only man to flee the Alamo).
He wouldn’t bite a biscuit.
He’s as yellow as mustard but without the bite.
His backbone is as stiff as a chocolate eclair.
He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.
She backed out quicker than a crawfish.
Yellow suits him.
Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
Scared as a cat in a dog pound.
He’s as yellow as a dandelion.
His guts have turned to fiddle-strings.
There’s no more harm in him than in a chambermaid.
A hard-boiled egg is always yellow inside.
Cowboys
He’s forked a horse so long he straddles chairs instead of sitting in them.
He’s bow-legged a yearling could run between his legs without bending a hair.
He’s had a horse under him so long his legs are warped.
He’s a cowman (cowpuncher) from the boot heels up.
The cow business is an open book to him and he knows every leaf in it.
He wants to go somewhere to spread his loop without gettin’ it caught on a fence post.
Crazy
He’s got a big hole in his screen door.
She’s one bubble off plumb.
She’s one brick shy of a load.
She’s two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He’s a few pickles short of a barrel.
There’s a light or two burned out on his string.
He’s missin’ a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light’s on but no one’s home.
He’s lost his vertical hold.
He’s overdrawn at the memory bank.
I hear you cluckin’, but I can’t find your nest.
She’s too many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy as Larrabee’s calf.
She came right off the spool.
He’s plumb loco.
He’s as crazy as popcorn on a hot stove.
Cussing
Dagnabbit!
Son of a biscuit eater!
What in tarnation . . . (is going on, happened here, are you doing)?
Dark
As dark as the inside of wolf.
Dark as coffin air.
Dark as a pocket.
Dark as a crow.
Dark as a blue norther.
Dark as the devil’s riding boots.
Dark as truck stop coffee.
Dark as a black cat’s overcoat.
Dark as a stack of black cats.
So dark the bats stayed home.
Dead/Death
Buzzard bait.
He gave up the guitar for the harp.
He ate a bitter pill
Worm meat.
He kicked the bucket.
She opened a worm farm.
The misty beyond.
Death’s got the runnin’ iron on him, brandin’ him for the eternal range.
He sacked his saddle.
The grass is waving over him.
He shook hands with Saint Peter.
He’s as dead as Santa Anna.
Debt
He couldn’t borrow a nickel even if he got the Lord and His disciples to sign his note.
Money is like a man—the tighter it gets the louder it talks.
Decision
I’m on the horns of a dilemma, and there’s nothing in between but bull.
I’m gettin’ ready to pull the trigger.
Departure/Goodbye
Let’s light a shuck.
It’s time to heat up the bricks.
It’s time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It’s time to swap spit and hit the road.
It’s time to put out the fire and call in the dogs.
He’s headin’ for the wagon yard.
Let’s blow this pop stand.
Church is out.
That’s all she wrote.
Let’s make like a cow patty and hit the trail.
It’s time to hit the breeze.
Tie your hat to the saddle and let’s ride.
He left in such a hurry you’d though a scorpion crawled down his neck (up his pant leg).
Desolate/Isolated
Looks like hell with everyone out to lunch.
Out where the buses don’t run.
Out on the other side of yonder.
This place is so desolate buzzards are carrying lunch sacks.
Differences
Them’s two different buckets of possums.
Difficult
Like tryin’ to bag flies.
Like puttin’ socks on a rooster.
Easy as pissin’ on a rope blowin' in the wind.
Like tryin’ to bag a baby octopus.
Direction
Over yonder ways.
That a-ways.
I’m fixin’ to go over yonder.
Dishonest
He’s on a first name basis with the bottom of the deck.
There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
So crooked that if he swallowed a nail he’d spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked you can’t tell from his tracks if he’s coming or going.
He knows more way to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos (River).
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a barrel of fishhooks.
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She’s more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He’s slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him.
The difference between him and a rattlesnake is the snake is honest enough to rattle a warnin’.
Greasy as fried lard.
Distance
Down the road apiece.
Right up the road.
A couple of miles.
It’s a fur piece.
Down yonder a-ways.
I won’t say it’s far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Right next door.
A little ways.
Drinking/Drunk
He wasn’t born. He was squeezed out of a bartender’s rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slingin’ drunk.
Drunk as a fiddler’s bitch.
Drunk as Cooter Brown.
Drunk as a skunk.
Don’t chop any wood tonight, daddy’s coming home with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I’ve got the whistle belly thumps and skull cramps.
Calling for Earl.
Juggin’ the jawin’.
You got her drunk, you take her home.
Commode-huggin’, knee-walkin’ drunk.
Givin’ some folks liquor is like trying to play a harp with a hammer.
Savin’ your boot soles by keepin’ ’em on a brass rail will keep you from buyin’ a new pair.
It don’t take backbone to belly up to a bar.
The man the sober side of the bar’s the one that gets the money.
A corkscrew never pulled anyone out of a hole.
On the mornin’ after, wild oats make a lousy breakfast.
He wears calluses on his elbows leanin’ on a bar.
Dry
So dry the birds are buildin’ nests out of barbed wire.
So dry Baptists are sprinklin’, Methodist are spittin’, and Catholics are givin’ rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carryin’ canteens.
So dry fish are crawlin’ out of the creek, hangin’ around the backdoor, and waitin’ for the dishwater to be tossed out.
So dry the trees are bribin’ the dogs.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long we only got a quarter inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spittin’ cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
So dry he had to prime himself to spit.
Dull (as a knife)
You could ride all the way to Big Spring on it and never split a hair.
It wouldn’t cut hot butter.
You could scratch your back with it and never draw blood.
Dumb
He knows as much about that as a hog does about a side saddle.
If a duck had his brains it would fly north for the winter.
She doesn’t have enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon he wouldn’t even sizzle.
If brains were leather he couldn’t saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb as dirt.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Dumb as a post.
Dumb as a wagon wheel.
Dumb as a prairie dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
Dumb enough for twins.
He doesn’t know “come here” from “sic ’em.”
He doesn’t know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
He can’t ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee it’d fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink she couldn’t dot an i.
If all her brains were dynamite she couldn’t blow her nose.
He don’t know which end is up.
He don’t know a widget from a whatadoodle.
He don’t know nothing from nothing.
He don’t know dilly squat.
He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain it’d die of loneliness.
So thick-headed if you hit him in the face with a tire iron (skillet) and he won’t yell till mornin’.
He could screw up an anvil.
He’s not playing with a full deck.
His elevator doesn’t go to the top floor.
His bread isn’t done.
He’s a log shy (short) of a cord.
If stupidity ever reaches $40 a barrel I want drillin’ rights on his head.
If dumb were dirt he’d cover about an acre.
Sharp as a mashed potato.
Well, I’ll be a horse’s patoot.
If leather were brains he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a June bug.
Use your head for more than a hat rack.
His thinker is puny.
He doesn’t know dung from wild honey.
He doesn’t have anything but hair under his hat.
His brain cavity wouldn’t make a drinkin’ cup for a canary bird.
He doesn’t know dung from wild honey.
Even a woodpecker uses his head when he works.
Some don’t know cactus when they’re sittin’ on it.
He’s off his mental reservation.
Duration (short)
That lasted no longer than a rattlesnake in a cowboy’s bootleg.
Dusty
So dusty the rabbits are diggin’ holes six feet in the air.
Easy
No hill for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Easy as pie.
As easy as eating striped candy.
Expertise
That’s in my wheelhouse.
That’s my bailiwick.
Failure
He blames everythin’ on the weather or his raisin’.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar knife.
He rides under his horse.
Fast/Quick
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He can blow out the lamp and jump into bed before it gets dark.
He gets there in one half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small town gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than a double stuck lightnin’.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell bent for leather.
Any faster and he’d catch up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
First rattle out of the box.
Faster than a flea hoppin’ out of danger.
He’s draggin’ his navel in the sand.
Quicker than hell could scorch a feather.
Fat/Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat as a town dog.
She’s warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don’t care what you call him as long as you call him to supper.
So big he looks like he ate his brother.
So big he has to sit down in shifts.
Big as Brewster County.
Big as Dallas.
Big as a Brahma bull.
She’d rather shake than rattle.
He’s big enough to bear hunt with a branch.
He’s all spread out like a cold supper.
Wide as two ax handles.
He’ll eat anything that don’t eat him first.
Her butt looks like two hams in a a tow sack.
Big as all hell and half of Texas.
He’s so fat you’d have to throw a diamond hitch to keep him in the saddle.
Fighting
He’s got his face painted for war.
He dug up his tomahawk.
I’ll knock you so far into next week it’ll take a bloodhound to find you.
Haul in your neck or I’ll tromp your britches.
Wash off your war paint or I’ll flog you till you look like an angel sittin’ on a cloud.
Pull in your horns, you don’t scare nobody with bones in his spinal column.
I’ll kick your pants up around your neck so tight they’ll chock you to death.
I’ll knock your ears down to where they’ll do for wings.
I’ll collect enough of your hide to make a saddle cover.
He’d start a fight at the drop of a hat—and he’d drop it himself.
I’ll clip your horns, you got too much spread.
Fights (picking)
Rilin’ water only makes it muddy.
Don’t rile the wagon master.
Flat
It’s so flat out here you can watch your dog run away for three days.
It’s so flat out here you can see it coming. See what coming? Exactly—whatever.
Flatter than a fritter.
Foggy
So foggy the birds are walking.
Forgetful
His memory has pulled its picket pen and gone astray.
Friendly
They get along like two shoats in the same pig pen.
They get along like two pups in the same basket.
They took to one another like a sick kitten to a warm brick.
They get along like two six-shooters holstered in the same belt.
Friends/Compadres/Partners
Long as I got a biscuit, you got half.
I’ll go to the end of the trail with you.
I’ll stick with you as long as there’s a button on Job’s coat.
I’ll follow you right up to hell’s hottest backlog.
I’ll stay with you until hens have toothaches.
I’ll be with you until Sitting Bull stands up.
Full (after a meal)
I’m as full (stuffed) as a wood tick on a dog’s ear.
I’m as full (stuffed) as a tick.
I’m as full (stuffed) as a steer ready for slaughter.
God’s Will
Lord willing and the Creek (Indians) don’t rise.
Do God’s will, whatever the hell it may be.
Good
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby’s breath.
Sweeter than an old maid’s dream.
Fair to middling (or Midland).
Pert as a cricket.
All wool and a yard wide.
Clean as cotton.
All sweetness and light.
This is so good it’ll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine as cream gravy.
The greatest thing since apple butter.
The greatest thing since bare feet.
That takes the rag off the bush.
The world is a big pile of barbecue and beans.
Gossip
An eye-baller is always feedin’ off his range.
Throwin’ mud ain’t the way to move soil.
You can’t throw mud without stoopin’.
The man who throws mud loses ground.
Some folks are like buttons on a fat man’s clothes—always poppin’ off.
Guilt/Guilty
A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
Handsome
He could put his boots under my bed anytime.
He could hang his pants on my bed posts anytime.
Handy
Handy as sliced bread.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a rope at a hangin’.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Happy
I’m fat and sassy.
I’m cooking’ on a front burner today.
If I felt any better, I’d drop my harp plumb though the cloud.
If I felt any better, I’d think it was a setup.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Happy as a hog in slop.
She’s happier than a lost soul with hell in a flood.
Hesitant
You’re beatin’ around the bush.
You’re hemmin’ and hollerin’.
You’re going the long way around the barn to open the door.
High Voice
He has an E-string voice.
His voice squeaked like a rusty gate hinge.
His voice sounds like an iron tire on frozen snow.
Honest
If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.
You can take that to the bank.
You can hang your hat on it.
You can bet the farm on it.
He’s so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If he says a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.
Hot
It’s hotter than hades’ kitchen.
It’s so hot I might as well be sittin’ on hell’s front porch.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hotter than skinny dippin’ in the lake of fire.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot as a two dollar pistol.
Hot as a two dollar whore on the Forth of July.
Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot as a pot of neck bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a preacher’s knee.
Hotter than an East Texas preacher in a polyester suit.
Hotter than a burnin’ stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
So hot the hens are layin’ hard boiled eggs.
So hot trees are chasin’ dogs.
I winter in Texas and summer in hell, it’s cooler there.
If I owned hell and Texas, I’d rent out Texas and live in hell.
So hot coyotes chasin’ jackrabbits are reduced to walkin’.
So hot it will burn the hair off a billygoat’s balls.
Hotter than the backlog of hell.
It’s so hot I’d swear the devil’s bakin’ brimstone.
Hotter than the underside of a saddle blanket after a hard ride.
Humble
Don’t rise above your raisin’.
He would do more prayin’ if he could find a soft spot for his knees.
Hungry
I’m hungry enough to eat a saddle blanket.
Immoral/Wild
They call her “radio station” because anyone can pick her up, especially at night.
He’s wilder than a peach orchard boar.
She’s just naturally horizontal.
Loose as ashes in the wind.
Loose as a buck of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.
She’s found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their crop before thy built their fence.
They’re hitched but not churched.
They’re bedded but not churched.
They’ve got a cotton patch license.
He was all over her like ugly on an ape.
Impatient
Just wait one cotton pickin’ minute.
Impossible
That’s like trying to scratch your ear with your elbow.
I might as well be barking at a knot as to accomplish that.
I might as well be an elephant using a typewriter.
It would be easier to trim the whiskers off the man in the moon than do that.
Independent
Independent as a hog on ice.
Inept/Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn’t ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn’t knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farmin’ he couldn’t raise Cain.
He couldn’t hit the floor if he fell out of bed.
He could’t hit the side of a barn.
Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit (warm bucket of spit).
He couldn’t organize a pissin’ contest in a brewery.
Useless as two buggies in a one horse town.
He could screw up a two car funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw it away, and you can say you lost somethin’.
He’s got no more chance than a June bug in the chicken coop.
He’s a day late and a dollar short.
He can’t win for losin’.
He’s suckin’ hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She’s itching for somethin’ she won’t scratch for.
Why close the barn door after the horses are out?
No more good than an eyeless needle.
Like warmin’ up leftover snow.
Like pushin’ a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sweet talking the water out of the well.
Information (without)
I ain’t got any medicine.
Insults/Putdowns
Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in awhile.
Anytime you happen to pass my house, I’d sure appreciate it.
What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singin’ lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
You smell like you want to be left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don’t come runnin’ to me.
Whatever melts your butter.
Whatever greases your wagon.
Better to keep your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Bless your heart. (You’re an idiot.)
Just/Unjust (the)
If it only would rain on the unjust, we could carry water in a bucket to the just.
Lazy
He likes to take a long squint at the sun and a quick squat in the saddle.
He hangs out more often than mama’s washin’.
He’s like a blister—he doesn’t show up till the work’s all done.
He’s as lazy as a hound dog (cat) in the sun.
He’s so lazy molassas wouldn’t run down his legs.
Lost (something)
I might as well try to find hair on a frog than find that thing.
I might as well hunt for a horse thief in heaven than find that thing.
Lucky
They tried to hang him but the rope broke.
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best bull.
He’s riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Luckier than a two-peckered goat.
Lying
He stretched the blanket a bit too far.
Mean
She’s as mean as a mama wasp.
He’s as friendly as a bramble bush.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
He looks like a sheep-killin’ dog.
He jumped on me with all four feet.
A real revolvin’ son of a bitch.
Meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes.
She was born mean and ornery.
He’s as cross as a snappin’ turtle.
He’s as mean as a rattlesnake in a cactus patch.
Miscellaneous (general sayings)
Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.
Never sign nothin’ by neon.
There’s more than one way to break a dog from suckin’ eggs.
The barn door’s open and the mule’s tryin’ to run. (Your fly’s open.)
There’s a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
There’s no tree but bears some fruit.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don’t squat on your spurs.
Stayin’ out with the dry cattle. (Staying out all night.)
Any mule’s tail can catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a flood.
A lean dog runs fast.
I’m cuttin’ a rusty. (Doing my best.)
Never kick a fresh cow turd on a hot day.
Always drink upstream of the herd.
Come hell or high water.
Sweatin’ a game. (Watching others play a game of cards.)
He sure can spin the catgut well. (Throwing a rope well.)
He can sure fork a horse. (Ride a horse well.)
His dough ain’t set yet, you can shape him in any kind of biscuit you want.
I’d rather be a fence post in Texas than the king of Tennessee.
Brains in the head saves blisters on the feet.
Meetin’ some folks is like findin’ a snake in your bedroll.
You can judge a man by the horses he rides.
It’s already been saucer and blowed. (Coffee that has cooled off enough to drink.)
Misunderstanding
Lick that calf again. (Say what?)
Chew it finer.
Cut the deck a little deeper.
That was too boggy a crossin’.
Cinch up a little, you’re saddle’s slippin’.
Ride over that trail again.
Need (for another person)
I need you like beans need salt.
I need you like biscuits need gravy (honey).
Nervous
Nervous as (sweatin’ like) a whore in church.
Grinnin’ like a mule eatin’ cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous as a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She’s chewin’ her bit.
He won’t stay hitched.
She’s so nervous she has to thread her sewin’ machine while it’s runnin’.
He’s as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockin’ chairs.
Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet.
Calm as a June bug.
She’s goosy.
He makes a pressure cooker look calm.
Noisy/Loud
As noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof.
As nosy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
Noisier than cats makin’ kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than grandpa’s Sunday tie.
He called his hogs all night.
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Noisy as hail on a tin roof.
Noisy as hell movin’ on iron wheels.
Noisy as a jackass in a tin barn.
Obvious/Plain
As public as a zebra.
As plain as paint.
As plain as ears on a mule.
As plain as a horn on a saddle.
As plain as a hump on a camel.
As prominent as a boil on a pug nose.
One of a Kind
They broke the mold after him.
Passing Gas
He stepped on a frog.
He backfires more than my ol’ ranch truck.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy will let it.
Take tater and wait.
Don’t get your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war paint.
Hold your water.
Payment (making a)
It’s time to pony up.
Poor
If a trip around the world coast a dollar I couldn’t get to the Oklahoma line.
He’s so broke he’s busted all Ten Commandments.
Poor as a lizard-eatin’ cat.
Hasn’t got a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.
So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young I still roll up in a ball when I hear a dog bark.
So poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He’s as broke as a stick horse.
He’s too poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won’t even stop at the door.
So poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Too poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Popular
He has more friends than there are fiddlers in hell.
He has more friends than there are fleas on hound dog.
Pregnant
She’s got a bun in the oven.
She’s sittin’ on the nest.
She’s got one in the chute.
She’s been storked.
Pretty
So pretty she’d make a man plow through a stump.
She can ride any horse in my string.
She’s built like a brick outhouse.
She’s build like a Coke bottle.
She cleans up real nice.
She has more curves than a barrel of snakes.
She’s all dressed up like a country bride.
I’d rather watch her walk than eat fried chicken.
Pretty as twelve acres of pregnant red hogs.
Pretty as a pie supper.
Cute as a calico kitten on down south.
Cute as a speckled pup under a red wagon.
Soft and pretty as a young calf's ear.
Problems
Got a big hole in the fence.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
There’s a yellow jacket in the outhouse.
Quiet
She’s as quiet as a flea’s fart.
Quitting/Giving Up
He sold his saddle.
He put his horse to pasture.
He hung up his spurs/guns.
Rain/Downpour
This rain is a gully washer.
This rain is a turd floater.
This rain is a frog strangler.
It came a rip snorter.
It looks like it’s comin’ up a cloud. (It looks like it’s about to rain.)
In West Texas we call rain a sandstorm.
Readiness
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
Keep your powder dry.
Relationships
I don’t smoke and I don’t chew, and I don’t go with girls that do.
Restless (person)
She moves around like a hen on a hot griddle.
He wanders around like a pony with the bridle off.
He moves around like hornets in a bonnet.
She’s like a loose horse, full of cockle burrs, and always lookin’ for new pastures.
He’s got Mexican jumpin’ beans in his jeans.
He’s trying to stay two jumps ahead of the sheriff.
Rich/Successful
In tall cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn’t come to town two to a mule.
She’s got more than she can say grace over.
So rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hans.
He’s wallowing in velvet.
He has a roll as big as a wagon hub (wheel).
Smells like money. (Sometimes considered offensive or unpleasant.)
He has enough money to burn a wet mule.
Running
Look at him run, he’s sure heatin’ his axles.
He’s goin’ like heel flies are after him.
He was leading that race like an antelope would a hog.
He’s tryin’ to keep step with a rabbit (roadrunner).
He passed them so fast they looked like they were backin’ up.
Running Away
He lit out for the territories.
It’s sometimes wise to hightail it while the gates’s open.
Sacrifice
You can’t get lard unless you boil the hog.
Sad/Unhappy
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I feel lower than a worm’s belly.
I feel so low I couldn’t jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
You look like you were sent for and couldn’t go.
Sad enough to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.
Are you out of snuff?
You look like a motherless calf.
He’s about has happy as ducks in Arizona.
It looks like his luck is running kinda muddy.
It looks like someone swiped the silver lining off his cloud.
Safe
Safe as Granny’s snuff box.
Scarce
Scarce as hen’s teeth.
Scarce as grass around a hog trough.
Scarce as rain barrels.
Scarce as a virgin in a cathouse.
Serious
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Serious as a coiled rattler.
Sheep
Hoofed locust.
Stinkers.
Maggots.
Baa-a-ahs.
Sheepherders/Shepherds
Lamb lickers.
Mutton punchers.
There ain’t nothing dumber than sheep except a man who herds ’em.
Short
He’s knee-high to a grasshopper.
He’d have to stand up to look at rattler in the eye.
He’d have to borrow a ladder to kick a gnat on the ankle.
He drags the ground when he walks.
Shut Up
Save part of your breath for breathin’.
Keep your gate shut.
Keep a plug in your talk box.
Put your jaw in a sling, you’re liable to step on it.
Hobble your lip.
Button your lip.
Dally your tongue.
Quit hollerin’ down the rain barrel.
Tighten the latigo on that jaw of yours.
Shy
Shy as a mail order bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Whey-faced.
I feel like a possum trotted over my grave.
Sick
He’s got a hitch in his git along (giddy up).
Sick as a dog passin’ peach pits.
Her hopper’s busted.
I’m so sick I’d have to get better to die.
As full of pains as an old window.
I’ve got the green apple nasties.
He looks like death warmed over.
So sick he needs two beds.
Pitiful as a three-legged dog.
He’s just too weak to whip a gnat.
You look a little peak-ed around the gills.
He’s got a slipknot in the puckerin’ string. (diarrhea).
I feel like the frazzled end of a misspent life.
Silent (being)
No tongue was hurt by speakin’ softly.
No man was ever hurt by the things he didn’t say.
Put off sayin’ anything today that might get you licked tomorrow.
Folks with soft voices live longer than yelpers.
The sun don’t blister the tongue that stays behind the teeth.
A man can learn a heap of things if he keeps his ears washed.
Singing (bad)
She’s singin’ in a coyote key.
Her singin’ would attract a nest of rattlesnakes.
Singing (good)
Her singin’ would quiet a rattler’s tail.
His singin’ can settle a jumpy herd.
Sleeping
She’s dead to the world.
He’s sawin’ logs.
He’s catchin’ Z’s.
She gave up the ghost.
Out like Lottie’s eye.
Slow
He’s so slow he could gain weight walkin’.
He’s as slow as a snail climbin’ a slick log.
He moves like he’s got hobbles on.
Small
Cut up like a boardinghouse pie.
Smaller than Rockwall County.
Smart
Bright as a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Soft
Soft as a two-minute egg.
Soft as a feather pillow.
Sore
All stove up.
Sore as a boil.
Stealing
He was caught yampin’ cattle.
Stingy/Ungenerous
He’s so stingy he’d skin a flea for his hide and tallow.
She’s so stingy if she own a lake she wouldn’t give a duck a drink.
He wouldn’t give a dollar to see an earthquake.
He wouldn’t give a nickel for a front row seat at the Battle of Waterloo.
Stink (odor)
That smells stronger than a wolf's den.
This place smells like hell on house cleaning day.
Smells like a West Texas oil field.
He’s plenty whiffy on the lee side.
Strong
His breath’s so strong you could hang out the wash on it.
That coffee’s so strong it’ll put hair on your chest.
That coffee’s so strong it’ll walk into your cup.
That coffee’s so strong it’ll rise a blood blister on a boot.
He’s so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Stubborn
He’s so obstinate he won’t move camp for a prairie fire.
Surprise
Well, I’ll be dipped.
Well, I’ll be a suck-egg mule.
Talkative
She could talk a coon right out of a tree.
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He’s got a ten gallon mouth/tongue.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He’s a live dictionary.
He’s a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victoria needle.
He’s got plenty of tongue oil.
He’s a loud mouth with a shallow mind.
A man with a sharp tongue sometimes lets it cut his throat.
The boss ought to hire him to keep the windmill goin’.
Tall
He’s so long he has to shorten his stirrups to keep from wearing out his boot soles.
He’s just as long as a snake and he drags the ground when he walks. (Tall and dishonest.)
Texas
The sun did rise and the sun did set and I ain’t out of Texas yet.
A great country for men and dogs, but hell on women and horses.
Thick (a great amount of)
Thick as dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm dog.
Thin/Small
She wears her bra backwards and it fits.
She’s fryin’ size.
About as big as the little end of nothin’.
Half as big as a minute.
No bigger than a mole on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing between the horns and hooves but hide.
Thin as a bat’s ear.
Thin as a gnat’s whisker.
Thin as store bought bread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Thin as a fiddle string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you could give her a Big Red and use her as a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
If he turned sideways and stuck out his tongue he’d look like a zipper.
So skinny she has to jump around in the shower to get wet.
She’s so thin you couldn’t hit her with a handful of corn.
He’s built like a snake on stilts.
He’s so thin he could take a bath in a shotgun barrel.
If he closed one eye he’d look like a needle.
Tight
Tight as Dick’s hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight as a wet boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaked when he walks.
Tired
Looks like she’s been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser’s bone.
I was born tired and I’ve since suffered a relapse.
One wheel down and the axle’s draggin’.
I’m near about past goin’.
Tired as a boomtown whore.
You look just plain tuckered out.
Trust
You can never trust women, fleas, or tenderfoots.
When in doubt, trust your horse.
Truth (telling)
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don’t snap my garters.
He will give it to you with the bark off.
Keep the cattle corralled.
Don’t let the bull wander from the herd.
Tough
Walked the Chisholm Trail backwards.
He’s grown horns with hair on them.
He’s so tough he had to sneak up on the dipper to get a drink of water.
Tougher than a basket full of snakes.
The toughest longhorn that shakes his antlers in Texas.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as wang.
Tough as boot leather.
Ugly
He was inside the outhouse when the lightnin’ struck it.
He was inside the port-a-potty when someone tumped it and it tumbled down the hill.
She looks like she was born downwind of the outhouse.
So ugly the tide wouldn’t take her out.
So ugly his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him.
So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she does’t have to kiss him goodbye.
So ugly only his mama loves him—and she waits till payday.
So ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
So ugly she has to slap her feet to make them go to bed with her.
He got whipped with an ugly stick.
His mama had more hair in the mole on her chin.
Looks like he was pulled through a knothole backwards.
Looks like ten miles of bad road.
Looks like he sorts bobcats for a living.
So buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.
So bowlegged he couldn’t catch a pig in a ditch.
So cross-eyed he can stand up in the middle of the week and see two Sundays.
So freckled he looks like he swallowed a quarter and broke out in pennies.
Ugly as a mud fence.
Ugly as homemade sin.
Ugly as grandpa’s toenails.
He’s got a face like the back end of bad luck.
She can’t help being ugly, but she could stay home.
He couldn’t get a date at the Chicken Ranch with a truckload of fryers.
She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
He’s so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
She looks like she fell face down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
He looks like the dogs have been keepin’ him under the porch.
He’s so ugly flies wouldn't light on him.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Nothing to write home about.
That dog’s won’t hunt.
That bird won’t fly.
I’d just as soon bite a bug.
I don’t cotton to that.
That went over like a lead balloon.
Horse hockey.
I don’t give two hoots and a holler.
Unfriendly
I don’t know you from Adam’s off ox.
He’s as sociable as an ulcerated tooth.
He’s as polite as one strange dog meetin’ another one.
He’s as friendly as a hound to a pup after his bone.
Unpopular
As popular as a tax collector.
As popular as a wet dog at a parlor social.
As popular as a burr under a saddle.
As popular as a pebble in a boot.
As popular as a bed bug in a blanket.
Unpredictable
You can never tell which way a dill pickle’s goin’ squirt.
You can never tell which way a jackrabbit’s goin’ jump.
Unreliable
His bucket has too many holes in it to carry water.
The only thing holdin’ this together is bailin’ wire and chewin’ gum.
Unsophisticated
Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He’s so country he thinks a seven course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
They’ve lived so far out in the country that the sun set between their house and town.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-suckin’ dog.
As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
As welcome as a screwworm.
As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
As welcome as a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trial drive.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking’ over.
As welcome as a polecat at a picnic.
As welcome as a rattlesnake in a prairie dog town.
Useless
As useless as a twenty-two cartridge in an eight-gauge shotgun.
A wink is as good as a nod to a blind mule.
Why shear a pig? There’s lots of squellin’ and little fleece.
Use Up
The whole hog.
Everything but the moo.
Vain
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
I’d like to buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’ll bring.
She’s so spoiled salt couldn’t save her.
She’s so spoiled she expects spoon feedin’.
She’s got more airs than an Episcopalian.
Vomiting
Airing the paunch.
Calling Ralph.
Waiting
Cryin’ for daylight.
Wasting Time
Preachin’ to the choir.
Burnin’ daylight.
Arguin’ with a wooden Indian.
Whistlin’ up the wind.
Hollerin' down a well.
Water (muddy)
Rilin’ the water makes it muddy.
He has to chew it before he can swallow it.
Weak
He’s paper-backed.
He’s about as stout as a six-pack of Pearl.
He’s built out of butter.
He can’t lick his upper lip.
He’s can't pull off his (my) hat.
He’s so weak a kitten is robust beside him.
Weather
No matter how miserable the winter, a miserable summer’s a-comin’.
If you freeze in the winter, you’ll thaw in the spring, and then boil in the summer.
Texas has five seasons: drought, flood, blizzard, hurricane, and twister.
Mother Nature: You can’t squeeze all four season into one day in one state. Texas: Hold my beer.
Only greenhorns and fools predict weather in Texas.
Welcome
The porch light is always burnin'.
Make yourself to-home. Be sure to turn out the lights and let the cat in before you leave.
Windy
Windier than a fifty-pound bag of whistlin’ lips.
The wind’s blowin’ like perfume through a prom.
So windy we’re usin’ a log chain instead of wind sock.
So windy it’ll blow your wig off.
Wisdom/Wise
He’s gotten more wrinkles on his horns.
He’s as wise as a tree full of owls.
He looks as wise as a pack-rat.
He has good cow sense. (Though cattle are pretty stupid.)
She doesn’t need advice any more than a steer needs a saddle blanket.
Work
Nobody ever drowned himself in sweat.
Skin your own buffalo.
If you cut your own firewood it’ll warm you twice.
He works like a rented mule.
World (the)
A world big enough to hold rattlesnakes and pretty women is big enough for all folks.
Worry
Worryin’ is like ridin’ a hobby horse. It gives you somethin’ to do, but you don’t get anywhere.
He’d worry the warts off a frog.
He’d worry a blister on his brain.
Worthless (person)
He isn’t worth a barrel of shucks.
She isn’t worth a wooden nickel.
His family tree is a scrub.
He ain’t fit to shoot at when you want to unload and clean your gun.
Wrong
That’s just cattywampus.
Young/Youth
You look no older than a new born calf.
She’s no older than a colt that just foaled.
Some of these sayings share a common ancestor with Southern sayings. But since Texans don’t consider ourselves Southerners, we claim those that overlap as our own. Anne Dingus’s two articles in Texas Monthly, “Texas Sayings” and “More Colorful Sayings Than You Can Shake a Stick At,” served as the starter batch for this collection. But like sourdough starter, this collection of Texas sayings expanded as I came across others in my reading, especially Ramon F. Adams’s The Cowman & His Philosophy, or remembered phrases bantered around the Jeter household. In some cases, I just made up new sayings. I figured, as a true Texan it’s my birthright to add to the Texas lexicon—and if that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.