It's Hot Outside, Y'all

Don’t state the obvious to Batman, you might get a slap across the kisser.

I winter in Texas and summer in Hell, it’s cooler there.

Sam Houston, attributed

Well, y’all, it’s that time of year. We’re in the dog days of summer, as the Farmer’s Almanac would put it. Here in Texas, however, we’re more apt to say, “I swear, the Devil’s bakin’ brimstone.” Complaining and cursing Texas weather is a virtual competitive sport for any true Texan, especially during the freezing months of late December through February and the boiling months the rest of the year—with a small window of perfect temperatures in March and April (which of course, are often ruined by thunderstorms and hail bigger than a ten-gallon hat). When it comes to meteorological complaints, the topic that gets the most tongue time is the heat. Of course, Texas has different varieties of heat: dry heat in far West Texas, wet heat from the Rio Grande Valley to Houston, windy heat in the Panhandle, and plain, square-toed hot heat everywhere else.

Now, when it comes to complaining about the heat there’s always the old standby, “It’s hot outside.” But like Robin, you might get a verbal smackdown by a Texas Batman reminding you, you’re in Texas during the summer. So, if you want to complain about the heat—and avoid a virtual slap across the kisser—you need to get a little more linguistically creative. To help in that department here’s a baker’s dozen of Texas sayings to say it’s hot, without saying, “It’s hot.”

1. Hotter than Hades’ kitchen

I don’t know the average temperature in the abode of the damned, but presumably it’s pretty darn warm, even by Texas standards. I do know, however, President Harry S. Truman was famous for saying, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” It only stands to reason, then, that Hades’ kitchen has got be one cooking place.

2. So hot I might as well be sittin’ on Hell’s front porch

If you’ve ever sat on a front porch—or back porch, for that matter—in the middle of a Texas August sometime around four or five o’clock in the afternoon then you get some notion of “hot.” Of course, if you’re sitting on Satan’s front porch you’ve taken the heat up a notch or two. But given your location are your really complaining about the heat?

3. Hotter than skinny dippin’ in the lake of fire

According to the United States Geological Survey, the average temperature of molten lava coursing beneath an Hawaiian volcano is 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s a bit warm, wouldn’t you say? Now, imagine stripping down to the ol’ birthday suit and taking the plunge.

4. As hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch

I’m not sure what goats have to do with the Texas heat index, other than they’re known to eat just about anything, including peppers. They’re not the only critters to do so. Wild South Texas turkeys are known to stuff themselves with the piping hot pods, impregnating their meat with fiery juices. It’s be wise for anyone unable to eat the peppers outright to skip the Thanksgiving turkey if it comes from South Texas. I suppose the same would be true for cabrito.

5. As hot as a stolen tamale

This one says a lot with few words. “Hot” is a slang term for something stolen. Tamales are a delicious Mexican dish best served steaming hot. Put the two together meteorologically and stolen tamales becomes the perfect recipe for weather that’s doubly hot.

6. Hotter than whoopee in woolens

Woolens are any article of clothing made of wool, which no one in his right mind would wear in the middle of a Texas summer—at least not unless he wanted to melt into a puddle of goo. So, imagine how hot it must be to wear woolens in summer and make whoopee, which is the physical activity of . . . well, you know.

7. Hotter than an East Texas preacher in a polyester suit

Unlike wool, polyester is a synthetic fiber made from petroleum, so it should be every Texan’s friend. But the truth is, a polyester suit in summer is a fashion faux pas because it’s about as breathable as a scuba suit. East Texas preachers are known for their polyester suits and delivering scorching sermons of the fire and brimstone variety. So, you can image how hot it must be in Texas running around in polyester dodging brimstone on an August afternoon.

8. Hotter than wearin’ a fur coat in Marfa

Marfa isn’t the hottest hamlet in Texas, but if you’ve ever been to that far West Texas town in the summertime you know it’s hot enough in a T-shirt and shorts. Throw on a mink coat and traipse around and you’ll find it downright sultry.

9. Hotter than the backlog of Hell

A backlog is an accumulation of some uncompleted task, as in, “I have a backlog of eating my share of tacos.” But a backlog is also the large log you place in a fireplace to keep your fire nice and toasty on a winter’s eve. Since it’s safe to assume there are no winter’s eves in Hell, Satan’s backlog must keep the place mighty warm.

10. Hotter than the underside of a saddle blanket after a hard ride

It’s not true that every Texan owns a horse. Heck, there’s a good number of Texans whose backside has never been on the backside of a horse. But those who have know that the underside of a saddle blanket after a hard ride is like wearing a heated towel doused in liquid fire.

11. Hotter than a Dutch oven with the biscuits burnin’

There are few things Texans hate more than burnt biscuits, which is easy to do in a Dutch oven when you put too many or too hot a-coals underneath and on top of the lid. Meteorologically speaking, it’s also easy to burn your biscuits walking the lava-like streets of Texas under a red ball of fire.

12. So hot the hens are laying hard boiled eggs

This one is self-explanatory—and gives you a general idea of how hot it really is: hot enough to cook an unlaid egg. Of course, if it were that hot, you’d think you’d also get fried chicken with your hard boiled egg.

13. So hot my brain-pan might as well be made of cast-iron

This is the cousin to another popular saying, “This heat’s done addled my brain-pan.” Both refer to that often dangerous, but avoidable, malady all of us have to watch out for during Texas summers: heatstroke or heat exhaustion. If you feel addled brained or the old noggin starts to cook, be sure to get out of the sun, grab some air conditioning, and drink a trough full of water.

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Well, there you have it. Thirteen saying to put a little pepper into your verbal pronouncements about how hot it is outside. And if you don’t like one of them, replace it with this humdinger: “Hotter than a Nolan Ryan fastball.”*

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* For the uninformed: Nolan Ryan was born in a toasty place, the South Texas town of Refugio, and grew up in an equally hot place, Alvin. He was a professional pitcher, first for the New York Mets and then the California Angels (which we’ve forgiven him for), and then for the Houston Astros and the Texas Rangers. His nickname was the “Ryan Express” because he could throw a fastball faster than almost anyone alive. In baseball parlance fastballs are called “heat,” “heaters,” and “fireballs.” Now you know.

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Y’allogy: Texan Spoken Here.

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